hole

no more work for a little while
left nipple piercing is new information that handsome boy told me today and apparently he does not wear shoes unless it is absolutely necessary...what a freaking cool kid.
keeps asking me what my car looks like, he said he was going to do something to it...i said its blue...
i need to stop thinking about it now work is done for the week
 yeah okay if it so happens we are working together but apart from that no.
he is 18 i am 25
he is handsome and youthful
i am a frumpy over weight parent

should stop eating...i put a knife to my arm this morning i dragged it across the skin twice once softly then with more speed no pressure...i got a scratch ( it was a serrated knife)
dont tell anyone.

why can't i just enjoy the little bonus of fun at work rather than get all obsessive
gah !

i know

i know handsome boy has a younger sister 

he makes me retarded

he asks alot of questions...

its hard to answer him....i can't speak when he is around....

7 Years

having been with the same man for seven years i guess i can say that is a contributing factor to my flights of fancy
add that he is such a cold man not really very affectionate never because thats what i need at the time only when he is in the mood ugh i know i know i know
all i do is cry poor that I m with this guy why not just leave him ?
Love.
i would rather this than to be without Him.
but how long do i wait for him to take the next step we have been together for seven years have one child....when will he propose ?
should i just assume he does not like me ???

need sleep...

working with handsome boy tomorrow i feel a mixture of dread and excitement.

impure

there is a boy at work ....i blush the whole time he is there, impure thoughts abound when ever he is there and it is Really bad i can hardly talk to the kid he is too handsome.

makes me feel ridiculous, it is ridiculous, Im 25 and i cant cope with a handsome 18 year old....

proof Im still 16 inside right.

right.

have been well lately no need for purging or cutting.

i dont ever want to cut.

i have been drawing.....its better than cutting.

then

so i have started to think I'm 25 i could get a tattoo...i will see how i feel next year
my girl has head lice and its very creepy
we are all sitting around with cling wrap on our heads smothering them with conditioner
genocide on a sunny afternoon.

first

So to put something out into the world is a scary thing
 and
 I'm kinda scared ...what if some one i know reads this ?
I'm really scared but i dont want to feel lost like this anymore like I'm the only one feeling this...
I plan to write down my feelings about what i feel...real honest feelings not what i want my friends and family to think i feel or work mates, or him...
so who am i ...
I am a girl....a woman 25 yo i have a daughter and i am not married though I'm with her father....6 year relationship
i can sit next to him and cry visible tears without him noticing or saying anything, i can lay in bed next to him and cry hard enough that i cant help moving....and he doesn't notice.

i have started thinking about self harm to cope...i already try to skip or vomit some meals just to know i can control hunger.....
despite that i eat and digest most meals and i don't self harm
i smile alot,
day dream work a casual customer service job, love being a mother and wish for my daughter to grow up healthy happy with strong Independence, well developed and adjusted to reality
i paint and draw i have the same dreams of grandeur that we all do right ?
my heart is lost
i dont know if I'm happy to have what i do or sad because i fear i will never be happy if things stay the same
the Him complains about his entry level job and His mostly finished university degree i tell him go do it
do what ever you want
but some how i feel like I'm the one holding him back (this makes me frustrated he is the only one who can control his life right ?)
Fucking Go, "Him Mr Man" i want you yes.... but not as a sad guy wishing things were not so.
Wishing you broke up with me before i fell pregnant.
Well i can do this on my own I'm big enough to know that I'm not a catch anymore that at 25 there is really little to write home about but on the inside i am a girl
 i might be a mum now wiping snot, bums and bench tops
but I'm not here to wipe yours.
i guess i will add my voice to the masses (of crying bloggers)  .....
we are all crying out for that person to turn to us and say hey you are so special, unique, a rare flower there is no one like you and you are just what I'm looking for. be mine.
is that when the heart is found ?
i guess if I'm looking for my heart it should be on my sleeve right ?
i hope if i write again i wont be in such a weird mood. this is just me at this moment ......it'll all be better in the morning.